MAIN POINTS
- After a breakup, the pain of being the one who is rejected by the other partner can be debilitating.
- Innate insecurity and the emotional pain of being abandoned as a child are two of the personality traits and behaviors that are related with a reluctance to let go.
- Many people can learn to choose better partners if they have a greater knowledge of why this happens, and they can also grow more resilient in preparation for when loss is unavoidable.
It’s true that most people can recover and discover new love after a breakup, especially when it’s mutually agreed upon. As a result of the advice they receive, they learn from their mistakes, find solace in their friends’ company, and ultimately decide to start a new love partnership. There’s a dramatic shift when one partner leaves while the other is still deeply invested in the marriage. The hurt of being rejected as a friend or companion can be overwhelming. Some people are left with an insatiable longing for the one they lost, a hopeless pessimism about ever finding love again, and a rising worry that they will never again. I have hung around with many grieving spouses who have been left by their partners and simply cannot go on. I have listened to their stories and empathized with their confusion over why they can’t seem to keep a romantic relationship going.
Most people view others severely if they have been repeatedly abandoned in relationships. Although their intentions are good, well-meaning friends of these rejected lovers often encourage them to “simply get over it” or make it seem as though they are to fault for the breakup. That’s not how things generally work. People who suffer from persistent unhappiness are frequently the ones who have tried everything to keep their partnerships from breaking down. They may wonder if they will ever feel better after being abandoned again, and it’s understandable that they would feel confused and heartbroken.
In the years I’ve worked with such individuals, I’ve been able to help them see how the way in which they approach relationships may have something to do with why they end. As a result of having this information, they will have a greater grasp of how they could have improved their results.
Through my years of experience working with such people, I’ve been able to shed light on the possibility that their approach to relationships is a contributing factor to their demise. Now that they have that information, they may reflect on what they could have done differently and learn from their mistakes.
First, a fundamental lack of self-confidence. Feelings of insecurity are common when people fear losing something precious to them. Most people have learned to cope with true sadness and dread if their comfort is broken by an unanticipated threat. They are eventually able to move past it.
Some people, unfortunately, suffer from more severe anxiety and may have experienced several losses throughout their lives. As romantic partners, they may find it harder to find stability after being betrayed by a valued companion. The loss of trust in romantic relationships has left them feeling even more helpless and despondent. At times, the suffering renders them helpless to the point where they give up on ever feeling better.
2. Topping out. If people believe they have finally discovered the “ideal relationship,” and their partners subsequently leave, they may despair that they will never find another love like this again. Relationship partners who have experienced one-sided abandonment may have always wished for a particular, dependable, and loving spouse. However, once they meet someone who appears to match the bill, they may become too afraid to enquire as to whether or not their partners share their aspirations or expectations.
When they believe they have discovered the perfect mate, they pour everything they have into the relationship, believing against hope that it would last forever. Any warning indications from the other spouse are frequently ignored until it is too late.
3. The effects of abandonment on a child. Too often, children are passive pinballs in a life game in which they are tossed from one connection to another, with little to no control over the outcome. As a result of their upbringing, they are more prone to be suspicious of romantic interests or to work too hard to prove their trustworthiness. They develop unhealthy levels of anxiety as adults as a result of their inability to trust others and experience love as children did.
4. People who suffer from attachment anxiety may think they are participating fully in the love game, but in reality, they are too risk-averse to ever commit fully to anyone. While they recognize that safety is illusive and beyond their control, they remain fully committed despite this fact.
The individuals who care about them are often frustrated by their underlying anxiety. They get down on themselves and decide to stop the relationship, which might trigger painful memories of being abandoned as a child in the person they leave behind.
Feelings of isolation anxiety For the sake of maintaining any kind of connection, those who are afraid of being alone in love will often put up with mistreatment, manipulation, and other forms of cruelty from their partners. Either their partners will feel too guilty to stay in the relationship if they continue to make these unequal financial contributions, or they will stay in the partnership while looking for a better bargain elsewhere.
5. putting one’s value in a spouse rather than in oneself. Intimate relationships are risky when one partner is given the power to determine the other’s worth. Putting all one’s hopes on a single assumption can lead to utter ruin in the event that the expectation proves to be false.
In the event of a breakup, the rejected partner has only their own unfavorable perception of themselves to fall back on. They can’t see past their own flawed identities and the possibility that they’ll never be loved by anyone.
6. apprehension of defeat. Some people are paralyzed by the fear of failure, and for them, interpersonal connections represent just one more potential source of disappointment. They put in a lot of work, and it hurts them to think that a romantic partnership might not pay off despite their best efforts.
Because of their anxiety over making mistakes, individuals either overreact when things start to go wrong or fail to notice important indications.
Many people feel they are to blame for their partners’ decisions to end a relationship. This tendency to constantly belittle oneself makes it more likely that future relationships will also end in failure.
7 Those who indulge in romantic daydreams. Healthy relationships are not romantic in the traditional sense. Though they begin with seemingly unconditional acceptance and forgiveness for one another, as do all new relationships, they must eventually work through the differences and obstacles that all long-term partnerships inevitably bring.
But there’s a distinct kind of person who stubbornly clings to romantic ideals. These individuals are so enamored with their relationships that they wish to fulfill all of their needs at all times. Romantic idealists tend to shrug off and dismiss the realities of life’s inevitable interruptions.
When one partner in a relationship is a romantic fantasizer who will stop at nothing to maintain the ideal state of affairs, the other person in the relationship may begin to feel invisible and unloved and may long for a more grounded connection.
8Eternal adoration, number eight. Some people consider it a virtue to never stop loving an ex-lover, no matter what the circumstances, and these people have a difficult time moving on from relationships that have ended badly. A lovely love that they once shared makes them believe the other will return forever. Their unwavering will to remain faithful to a spouse who has abandoned them prevents them from falling in love again. Any future relationships are diminished by the constant eulogies for the lost love.
9. Extraordinary patching materials. It’s not often that a person finds a spouse who’s perfect in every way, but they do meet someone sometimes. Even if the rest of the relationship isn’t as satisfying, being completely content in that one area is immensely satisfying on its own. After going through that, they will never want to be without it again, limiting their future opportunities. After being dumped, they become obsessed with winning back their spouses and will go to any lengths to achieve this goal.
10. The truly distressed stalkers. Sadly, there are individuals who cannot let go of their romantic partners, regardless of how obvious it is that the relationship is finished. Even if their partner avoids them, ghosts them, or humiliates them, they will not or cannot give up.
There are numerous reasons why people self-injure in this manner. They may believe they have nowhere else to go. Or they believe they will never again find someone so perfect for them. Perhaps they chose companions who can never love them back in the same manner, yet they cannot accept this irreversibility. Perhaps they observed a parent continue to sacrifice without receiving anything in return and believed that it was a wonderful way to act.
If they are unable to quit following a failed connection, they may stalk, punish, or invade if the pain is severe enough. No amount of self-degradation or shame appears to alleviate their suffering or prevent them from attempting to alter their fate.
* * * * * *
Love that is unrequited is difficult and disheartening. It is human nature to attempt to influence the aftermath of hopelessness.
Many individuals who repeatedly suffer rejection become jaded cynics who risk less and less in each subsequent relationship. They stop believing in the possibility of successful relationships because they cannot afford to be hurt again.
Many people can improve their relationship outcomes by learning to pick more compatible mates, by accepting the trade-offs inherent in intimate relationships, and by building up their reserves of resilience in the face of inevitable heartbreak. Then they will realize that the more the love, the greater the anguish of its loss. We have exhausted all other options.
Seeking a genuine connection requires a certain degree of risk, the degree of which is up to the individual. For the best possible result, he or she must let go of the ideal of maintaining a relationship at all costs and instead focus on building one that is genuine and true.
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